my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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