New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
