so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Who died my cat blue again?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
