we have pet lesbian snakes
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
