i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
