I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why did my mother make you get naked?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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