Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
how drunk are you?
Several
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
