The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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