I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I met the friendliest cop last night
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
