The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
