Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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