im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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