I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
