She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He shit in the fireplace
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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