so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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