I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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