True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
