i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
