I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
