i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
