so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
