He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize