Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
