Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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