the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
