I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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