ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
