I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
