Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
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