why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
