Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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