Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
