I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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