just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
