Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
you are never too drunk for berry picking
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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