Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She swung at the pinata with crutches
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
