so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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