she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
