At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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