I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We left an ass print on the piano.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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