He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Randomize
