You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
