Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
