Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
