I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
