Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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