got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
