the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
