hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
