I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
