He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
