All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
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