Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
wakey wakey hands off snakey
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
