Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
