i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just want to make out with him forever
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
