is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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