Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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