You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
