he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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