i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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